A Deep Experimental Rhythm

dreadvt @ 2006-06-29T02:50:00

2006-06-29T06:58:29Z

Btw, this LJ is dead for the most part

dreadvt @ 2005-12-16T23:48:00

2005-12-17T04:48:50Z

Ding lvl 20

@_@

2005-10-19T03:59:11Z

dreadvt @ 2005-08-09T18:25:00

2005-08-09T22:25:15Z

?!!

dreadvt @ 2005-04-25T00:45:00

2005-04-26T04:55:31Z

Can you describe the feelings your mind goes through when you are sick- while healthy?

Right now my body feels so hot. My chest feels like a boiler. My mind is burning, glowing.

Drifting.

Glowing.

There is so much in this world which I do not understand. There is so much knowledge within this race. Dormant. Distant. I want to know everything. There is something inside me that feels empty. I feel weak. Unprepared. Incomplete. Powerless. Aware. It's all out there, but how far? Very far, and very close. I must learn. I need to know. Who or what will teach me? I will learn, I know I will be able to use what I learn. But what will I use it for? Everything, every instance, every scenario. Every problem, every question. No black dots, no paper. Future. Un-denied. But never given.
Who will go? Who shall survive? Fate? No answer. Strength. Kindness. Virtue.
I must exist. There will be a time when I will be needed. Un-denied. There will be others. Their own paths.
How long will it take? I'm not ready. I don't know enough. I can't do everything yet. How will I learn? Restraint must be destroyed. Not in my nature to yield. Boundaries exist. Distances must be crossed. Vagrant.
Forever is what I must embrace. Even when it pours. Hold it tight. It's waiting for me. I don't need faith. Un-denied. Ascertained, but never given. The path is very long with many meaningful turns. Strength. Burning. Scarred flesh.
An end. Intrinsic. Distant. Presently glowing. Dimly. Inert. Drift.

dreadvt @ 2005-04-22T12:04:00

2005-04-22T16:32:15Z

AMON TOBIN CONCERT IS TONIGHT. I AM RIDICULOUSLY EXCITED. IT HAS BEEN MANY YEARS SINCE I DISCOVERED AMON'S MUSIC. AT LAST I CAN EXPERIENCE HIS GENIUS IN PERSON. Writing in all caps sure has it's perks.. can't describe it atm.

I'm writing from college right now, 'bout an hour until class. The concert starts at 9 (opens at 8), so I won't be heading home after school or anything. Going to meet my younger brother at Penn Station, and we'll head out to Brooklyn from there. Amon shall be playing at North Six.. this place seems awesome as hell. The address is 66 North Sixtieth St. ..AN ADDRESS DOES NOT GET ANY SEXXIER THAN THAT.

I BOUGHT A FANCAY DIGI-CAM YESTERDAY FROM WORK. 20% DISCOUNT YO.

PICTARZ COMING SOON

In other news, I started talking to Denry again the other day. He IM'D out of the blue while I was on break from work. He was feeling very depressed since the German chick he was dating online cheatzored on him, but they were still sort of talking (!). When I came home from work, we had an extensive conversation about many things. Overall it was a good talk, very emotional/spiritual at times, which I loved.
The next day I got a message from Denry while I was away, saying that he had QUIT FFXI, AND RID HIMSELF OF THE GERMAN WENCH. A HEALTHY COURSE OF ACTION INDEED. I'm anxious to see how this will all play out.

Tomorrow I shall be visiting a private Chinese garden in Staten Island. My philosophy prof wants to have sort of an outing there, so we can sit around and talk about Confucianism, Hindu Dharma, and a few other philosophical/ethical topics. Going to have to take a 20 min ferry ride over there; should be fun. I SHALL TAKE MANY PICS.

GOODBYE FOR NOW.

dreadvt @ 2005-04-06T20:14:00

2005-04-07T00:43:14Z

http://xtramsn.co.nz/news/0,,11965-4254372,00.html @_@ Read.

Been a long day. I own this 1-hour photo job, NO DOUBT. The photo department is my domain; taint it and be prepared for a painful death. Get what you think you want or need, pay your fee and be on your way. THERE IS NO BATHROOM IN MY HUMBLE DOMAIN, AND NO, I DO NOT HAVE THE KEY. I am vigilant, I am temperate, I am who you have been searching for, I AM PHOTOGUY OF DOOM.

Okay, that felt good.

Joe from work wrote up some stats for another one of his RP characters. This time it's elf woman named Faile. I figured I would draw a pic of her for him, like I did with one of Joe's rogue characters. Although, when I drew the rogue for him, it was just because I was bored. This time Joe wrote up a character description for me; a whole damn page worth. I started the elf archer today, but I didn't get very far, was so busy ;[

That always seems to be the case nowadays though. I'm always getting these powerful yearnings to draw, but I so rarely get the chance to sit down and dedicate myself to it. It's kind of sad actually, since this is what I actually want to do for a living. I can tell I'm getting better though, my style has come a long way, and my skill continues to grow as long as I connect the lead to the paper. I need to get a fucking scanner. So much shit I need to buy, so little $ -_-.
Need an mp3 player; hate bugging the one my younger bro has off of him all the time. Need a digi cam, 'cause I want to spam pictarz all over the place. I could use a digital palette also (sort of like a digital sketchpad). Bry has one and I'm jealous. >8[

k, bai.

DREAMS.

2005-04-04T18:59:33Z

Had a fucking awesome dream last night.

Gonna have to write this Brystyle.

Well, it begins at some pizzeria in the city. I'm sitting there eating a slice, surrounded by old classmates from highschool. After I'm finished eating, I get up and begin walking toward the exit without looking at any of the surrounding people. As I near the door, for some reason, I purposely stick my foot out so it unplugs this huge black guy's laptop. This enormous black male stood 6 feet, 8 inches tall and of roughly 230 pounds. He rises while removing his long coat, angered at my roguish act and begins attacking me verbally (I don't remember exactly what he said). He was wearing a white dress-shirt with navy dress-pants. Before he can finish talking, I bow courteously to him, keeping my eyes locked on his, I said, "I humbly apologize for inconveniencing-" he interrupts by throwing his chair over infront of him. Afterwards he quickly launched a side kick, I dodged it and was-pressed up with my back towards the counter, the gust from the attack brushing my face. I see myself arch an eyebrown, rise and prepare for the giant's next attack. His left foot shifted backwards and I knew what was coming-a heavy axe kick. Quickly I grabbed his extended right leg and thrusted it towards him; smashing through the table and the man's laptop. Then I woke.
So funny, so random.

<- I don't think this is really necessary..

2005-03-27T21:50:03Z

Yet another tiring day of work.. it wouldn't be so bad if it weren't so fucking BORING.

We closed at 4 today; so I got off a couple of hours earlier than I normally would (and I'm hella glad).
Funny how clear it is that the majority of people who do "Easter shopping" do it..on Easter.

Oh and I think I've figured out why they play that mind-numbing, boring, repeatitive music in the store... It's so that shoppers who are unfortunate enough to hear the music are immediateley put into a trance of consumer indifference. In other words: "oh i'm buying this candy and Slim-fast for no reason, but oh wellz loal"

But yeah, next time I talk to Denry I'm going to have to lay down the law :/

Oh wellz loal

dreadvt @ 2005-03-25T01:03:00

2005-03-25T06:07:12Z

I realize that I left a decent amount of holes in that last entry.. but I did this so that my mind wouldn't stray off into other topics. I'll end up making entries about the stuff I skipped soooner-or-later anyhow...

Oop

2005-03-25T06:02:26Z

Ok, yeah.. It's been awhile since my last entry

Been busy

Been tired

..too much

Need to start training again, need to light up the old torch of discipline

I'll start with what has basically happened since my last entry

..Started working at Eckerd.. Photo guy/register/anyandeveryfuckingthingelse

My schedule has been altered so that Joe [My manager in photo] can work the days that I have off and vice-versa.

So as of now I work: Sunday: 9-6 Tuesday: 6-9 Wednesday: 10-7 Friday, Saturday: 6-9

However, I'm thinking about just working 8 hours Tuesday and keeping Friday and Saturday off
..gives me more time for school-related things (which if value much more)

Joe is a really cool guy, despite the fact that he's gay.
He has yet to tell me straight-forward that he's gay, but everyone has been telling me.
Joe is basically the only person I can relate and converse with seriously in the store. Work really blows when he's not around, sad to say. I've gotten through most of my training in photo; all I lack is how to deal with the various errors that occur with the machines. I know of a few techs like dealing with paper/leader jams, but that's about it..
More on Joe later.. right now I have other emotions involving a certain friendship that I need to let out.

Many years ago when I moved to Florida, I made a friend. We were in the 8th grade, and I was in a strange environment surrounded by many new faces. The first face I decided to speak to was that of a guy named James Laur. We connected and he sort of walked me through the school, letting me share his fame. In some technology class later in the day, James introduced me to a guy named Denry Garcia. At first glimpse I didn't make much of him. He was quiet and somewhat portly, but when he did speak, I listened.

Fast forward a year or so and Denry and I have a very close friendship. I distanced myself from James over the years because of his uncontrollable need for rebelliousness and drugs, alcohol etc.
Denry and I began playing Ultima Online together in high school. UO was a large part of our conversations, but many serious, spiritual, discussions arose from them. However, naturally this MMORPG became an addiction and I started slacking in school, and like a fool I dragged Denry down with me. Often he would skip school when I did (I used to live in an appartment complex right near the school) and we would play UO or watch anime.
Fast forward a little more we come to a turning-point in my life. After many long nights of strenuous thought; I decided I couldn't live the way I was anymore and chose to move back to New York where my father was living. Denry and I both knew that it would be difficult to keep our friendship alive, but we were determined to keep things healthy. We would play games online, talk on aim, occassionaly talk on the phone, and visit each other when we could, but it didn't last. I can't remember exactly when our friendship began to deteriorate..perhaps around the beginning of our FFXI addiction..I'm not certain...but every time we spoke, some kind of arguement would ensue, and it was always painful for me.

Our communication had practically diminished until recently when I sent Denry a brief email.
He never did respond, and I even went to the lengths of asking someone whom Denry would recognize to send him a POL message (on FFXI) reminding him to check his email. I don't know if she didn't send Denry the message or not, but whatever.
Tonight I saw Denry's screen name appear on my buddylist, so I hastily sent him a message so he wouldn't sign off.
Our conversation begain primitive, with normal questions about school/work/love interests/etc. He told me that his girlfriend online lives in Germany. Now.. this struck a soft spot within me, as I know that Denry goes through so many women online that it hurts my brain thinking about it. And when I said to Denry that I almost feel sorry for the girl this time; he took great offense to it. But whatever. He said he loves her, so I told him humbly that if he thinks he can make it work..power to him. After that our convo went back to it's mutual tone, and my conscience gave me a nice kick in the ass. I began to wonder if it was even worth trying to contact Denry in the first-place. Is this the same person I began a friendship with years ago? Am I the same person who did so? Do I even want to keep this "friendship alive"? Would I be a terrible person for ending this torn relationship? I didn't know what to think really, so I asked: [here's an insert from our convo log]

DreadVT (10:40:01 PM): ok
DreadVT (10:40:02 PM): here
DreadVT (10:40:09 PM): let me put this in simple terms:
DreadVT (10:40:22 PM): i used to like our friendship
DreadVT (10:40:29 PM): i valued it extremely actually
DreadVT (10:40:54 PM): it's still present somewhat, but right now is like a candle in the wind; ready to blow out
DreadVT (10:41:14 PM): so right now i'm asking you if you are willing to keep our friendship alive
DreadVT (10:41:17 PM): or let it go
DreadVT (10:42:05 PM): keep in mind that if you choose to keep our friendship alive; it won't be a single-sided equasion
DreadVT (10:42:51 PM): because if you don't do anything to keep things moving forwards, i know i sure as hell won't
DreadVT (10:43:13 PM): so choose
DreadVT (10:43:27 PM): think
Dj KiAs4 (10:43:34 PM): so what exactly did u have in mind?
DreadVT (10:43:50 PM): about what?
Dj KiAs4 (10:43:57 PM): to keep our friendship alive that is
Dj KiAs4 (10:44:07 PM): u must ofhad some kind of plan
DreadVT (10:44:19 PM): wtf? a plan isn't needed
DreadVT (10:44:30 PM): just communication
Dj KiAs4 (10:44:48 PM): what form
DreadVT (10:45:22 PM): textual? (aim) or dare i say we talk on the phone?
Dj KiAs4 (10:45:47 PM): *hears thunder roll in the background*
Dj KiAs4 (10:46:13 PM): 1. i dont use aim much
Dj KiAs4 (10:46:20 PM): 2. i dont use phone much
Dj KiAs4 (10:46:45 PM): i use yahoo messneger and teamspeak
DreadVT (10:47:10 PM): why don't you just use trillian then
DreadVT (10:47:28 PM): prog that runs all of those messanger progs at once
Dj KiAs4 (10:47:52 PM): and why would i want that?

Since I couldn't get any serious, thoughtful, replies from Denry at all.. I had to do this.. I can't stand this empty feeling I get when we speak together.

Our conversation continued for roughly 45 minutes after the above messages..mostly about communication and care.. but I think he got distracted and I didn't have the temperance to speak with him rationally after most of that.. so we ended and he went off to bed.

And here I am, still stuck with this empty feeling. Is it worth digging into the past to keep this friendship going.. do I even regard this person as a true friend anymore..?

I'd hate to end an entry with questions, but hell, I can't seem to find an answers for them ._.

Sleep will either be easy as pie or evasive as shit tonight.

Dope! Crazy! Alright! Sweet! Showtime! Stylish!!

2005-03-08T05:36:11Z

Hell
fucking
yes

Devil May Cry III owns my face. I've only played the first three missions so far, but I can say that this title is a lot better than the last two (and I really enjoyed DMCII). The series really captures my style and Dante's personality is entertaining to me. HE JUST KICKS SO MUCH ASS <333 I can't begin to explain how satisfying it is :]

Anyway, didn't go to college today.. my abscences are adding up; I should probably avoid missing more days from here on.
Yeah, still fucking sick.. didn't want it getting any worse by sitting in the mobile sardine cans of the underworld for the few hours I do each school day. Seems like it's always bitterly cold/windy when I get around campus; that probably wouldn't have helped my condition either. All I know is that if I'm not better by tomorrow at 10AM, my first day at teh new job is going to really blow.

My last job was a lot different than this one I'll be starting. I used to work at a telemarketing brokerage. It started off horribly; making hundreds of phone calls a day desperately trying to get leads. But quickly got good at that job surpisingly enough. I quickly learned how to get people to talk to me on the other end of the phone and give me their information. I could easily open up even the most dull caller, and get him/her interested. We worked on mortgages, interest rates, credit card debt and all that good stuff. Within a month I had gotten promoted to a new room, and then promoted again to a different room with a more advanced program. I was making a decent about of money (13-15$/hr depending on how many leads I had been making) but, I only worked four hours a day, Monday through Friday. I quit because of college starting up, and I was about to move to Queens; into my Aunt's house. I was to have my own basement, with my own semi-kitchen, my own complete bathroom, my own living room...

That place.. filled to the rim with memories..
but it all came crashing down.. like one of those twisted dreams where you die at the end.

My aunt May. My mother's elder sister. The person I once thought of as my only family member who was completely selfless and inhumanly kind. All of this changed recently when I was forced to move out of her house which I had only been living in for a single month.

I loved living there. Never before had I felt that feeling of independence..total privacy, that freedom.
I loved eating my aunt May's cooking of awesomeness, and I enjoyed reminiscing with her, and having those intimate conversations about the past and future. I enjoyed helping paint the basement. But was there because my commute was only about 45 minutes to college opposed to the 2 hour commute from where I had been living prior (my father's house) so no one had a problem with me living there, not even my father. But that was only the icing on the cake.. I valued those new feelings and conversations far more than the easy commute. However, she didn't understand this.

Why.. why didn't you understand..?

My cousin Dwayne's wife Kati was pregnant when I first moved in. 'Turns out she was going to have her twins a little earlier than everyone expected. Their house wasn't done being renovated, and no one was prepared. This is why I was forced out of my new sanctuary. My cousins had no one to turn but to aunt May, and "they needed all the room they could get." I understood my aunt's decision though. I understood, and I left on good terms with everyone. I left with a promise from my aunt claiming that I would have a place to come back to once all the dust had cleared. She said all she needed was a few months.. I gave her three.

What went wrong..? What changed..? What the fuck did I do to lose your respect..?

With Spring session starting in February, everyone at home wanted to know when/if I would be heading back. So I called aunt May, and ended up having an hour conversation with her. She mumbled and stumbled through every sentance.
"I have too much to worry about.. I have to take care of the twins, I have to finish up my job, and now I will have to take care of you." She goes on with more negativity.. so unlike her. "I don't think I'll be able to handle having to think about you along with myself, your uncle, and the twins."

Since when did I become such a huge fucking responsibility? I would have gotten a job as soon as I moved back in, she wouldn't have had to worry about me nearly as much as she though, if not at all. I couldn't tell if she was lying or keeping something from me.. I had never had to deal with anything like that from her before. All I know is that I felt betrayed, confused, and defiled all at once.

Wow.. this entry has gotten wayy too long.. gotta finish this..

So yeah, I'm still tanking this whole bullshit experience of commuting for 2 hours to and from college..and I won't stop until until I'm through doing what I have to do. I love the city and I love my classes..so I will keep moving forward, even if I have to put up with these ridiculous train ticket prices and subway fares.

Damn I feel fucking drained.. 12:30 now.. time to pass out~

Alas,

2003-12-22T06:29:26Z

I have decided to finally create a LJ of my own.. I've done this in hopes of shedding some light on exactly who i am to my online friends (and perhaps myself too)

I'm not exactly sure about how often i will post.. but we'll just have to wait and see.

Well.

2003-12-22T06:16:16Z

Hmm. (test)